Piggie in the Middle
by grrbaby
Summary: *COMPLETED* Drunken Ron starts singing at a Gryffindor end-of-term party. Misunderstandings ensue
1. Piggie in the Middle

            A/N - This is my first FF.net story, inspired by my friends Tegan's excellent song parodies. I hold no claims to being funny, J.K Rowling's characters or the song "Genie In A Bottle". But I hope you enjoy and review :D

The Gryffindor common room was awash with activity. It was the last night before holidays and the students had decided to throw a party. In the corner on a red leather couch was Ron Weasley, watching his best friends Hermione and Harry, dancing alongside a group of their fellow Gryffindors. Stashed inside Ron's robes were two bottles, one already empty and another still containing a small amount of Firewhiskey. Harry had originally been sitting next to him, but when Hermione finally convinced him to dance with her, Ron had pulled out the bottles.

            Depressed at the sight of them, Ron grabbed a guitar resting against the wall and started strumming it. He didn't really care whose it was. He started singing, in a very drunken and off-key way.

            "I feel like I've been locked up tight

            In Azkaban for lonely nights

            Waiting for someone to appease me

            She's lickin' her lips and blowing kisses his way

            But that don't mean he's gonna give it away

            Baby, baby, baby"

And then he let out something that sounded like a wailing cat.

            "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

            Hermione's saying let's go, go

            Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

            But Harry's saying no"

At this point he let rip a diva-like dance move that wouldn't be out of place in a Britney video clip. 

            "Must be something 'bout my hair,

 all the girls they ran away

            I'm a piggie in the middle

Best friends are rollin' in the hay.

No one wants to be with me

Oh when will my wish come true,

I'm gonna have a big depression

Oh I can't ignore those two"

Ron remained silent for a minute, trying to think of the next verse, and then continued his intoxicated ramblings.

"I'm thinking hanging, Oh I feel damn low,

Just one more dance they'll be good to go,

Waiting for someone to heed me.

Hormone's racing at the speed of light 

but that don't mean it's gonna be tonight.

Never happens that way…"

"Must be something 'bout my hair,

all the girls they ran away

I'm a piggie in the middle

Best friends are rollin' in the hay.

No one wants to be with me

Oh when will my wish come true,

Oh I just wanna flee baby

And go drink a few"

  
It was about this time Ron spotted Harry winking at Seamus over Hermione's shoulder.


	2. Come On Over, Baby

A/N I'd say thanks to all the reviewers but this story seems to have got lost in the FF realms. Hopefully someone will see it now that I'm posting another chapter. Thanks to Tegan but :D Anyhoo, I hold no claims to be funny, J.K Rowling's characters or the shite songs that are featured in this story.

Ron sat agape (literally, with his mouth hanging open) for a few moments before staggering to his feet and stumbling towards his dancing friends. With a slight giggle, he grabbed Harry's glasses righto off his nose.

            "Can I borrow these?" he said, slowly, to Harry, but turned around before the boy could reply. The object of his attention was now Seamus, whom he started clapping at. He no longer had the wits to change lyrics, but was still in a Christina Aguilera mood.

            "Come on over, come on over baby"

            Everyone around Ron exchanged bewildered looks.

            "Hey boy, don't you know

            I got something going on, yes I do

            All my friends are gonna come

Gonna party all night long, ooh yeah

I know, you know, I just want us to go

The fun we'll have, you'll never be alone

So boy, won't you come

We will party 'til the dawn"

"Ron, you're making a fool of yourself," Hermione hissed

"Shut up fag hag*" Ron said to her, then went back to his song, pausing and making provocative gestures at Seamus every time he hit the word 'come'.

"Listen to me….

All I want is you (here he added the move of pointing at Seamus at this line)

Come over here baby

All I want is you

Ooh you make me go crazy

All I want is you

Now baby don't be shy

You better cross the line

I'm gonna love you right (he made vulgar moves with an unfortunate boy near him)

All I want is you…"

"Shut up Ron" Harry glared, although his gaze was a little off-focus because he was without glasses. Ron ignored him.

"I want you to know

You could be the one for me, yes you could

You've got all I'm looking for

You've got personality (he winked at Seamus)

I know, you know

I'm gonna give you more

I know I've never felt this way before

So boy won't you come

Won't you come and open the door"

"Shut up Ron, you're drunk" Harry said, but was ignored once again.

"Listen to me….

All I want is you

Come over here baby

All I want is you

Ooh you make me go crazy

All I want is you

Now baby don't be shy

You better cross the line

I'm gonna love you right

All I want is you…"

At this point, Ron forgot the rest of the song. He turned to Harry, grinning, and tossed his glasses at him. As Harry stooped down to pick them up, Ron grunted at him, and said:

"So, that's what you were saying to him last night, wasn't it? I saw your little wink".  Ron smirked, feeling very superior.

Harry re-adjusted his glasses and glared at Ron, properly this time, with bonus nostril flare.

"Not all people who wink are sexually involved with the person they are winking at. Think of all those times Dumbledore of Lockhart have done it to one of us! I was actually winking at Seamus because of a prior conversation we'd had about Hermione" Harry said blushing at the end and looking down.

It was Hermione's turn to glare.

* A 'fag hag' is a term my friend told me the other day. It's a term for the straight female friend that all gay men seem to have in popular culture. It's not necessarily derogatory.


	3. Two Wizards

            A/N I hold no claims to J.K Rowling's characters, the Spin Doctors song "Two Princes" (yes, I'm parodying a _good_ song this time) or being funny. Thanks to my reviewers and VenusDeOmnipotent, there seems to be quite a few real-life fag hags too. The only gay guy I know has one :D

"A conversation about me, Harry?" Hermione said, giving him a withering look. He shuffled under her gaze.

            "Uh yeah, yeah Hermione" he stuttered, aware that the Gryffindor common room had long since stopped their activities to watch their conversation. Ron was standing near them, sulking after Harry had established he wasn't with Seamus, "S-Seamus had dared me to put my hand on your bum while we were dancing…. and, and I was about to when-". He cut off and looked at Ron.

            Hermione rolled her eyes.

            "You know Harry, if you fancy me, you should just come out and say it," she said, seeing it as a joke.

            "Uhh, okay-".

            Ron, seeing what was happening (and not wanting to be left out), jumped in front of Hermione.

            "Hermione, _I _fancy you, and I can be honest about it" he grinned, then got down on one knee.

            "One two, wizards kneel before you"

He sang, while hitting the back of Harry's knees so he too was kneeling. Everyone groaned at the thought of Ron singing again, and Hermione turned beet red.

            "That's what I said now

            Wizards, wizards who adore you

            Just go ahead now

            One has galleons in his pockets

            That's some bread now

            This one, he wants to buy you rockets

            With leprechaun gold now"

It seemed that Ron had rediscovered his "talent" for changing lyrics. 

            "This one, well he's crossbred

            That's what I said now

            Got some Big Scar upon his forehead

            Was almost dead now

            Marry him, Voldemort will headstone you

            How bout that now

            Marry me, Percy will be groan you

            He'll eat his hat now"

Hermione frowned. 

"I'm not marrying _anyone _Ron".

            Ron ignored her protests.

            "Aww marry him or marry me

            I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see?

            Ain't got no future in the Ministry

            But I know what a wizard lover ought to be

            I know what a wizard lover ought to be

            Said if you want to call me Ronny

            Just go ahead now

            An' if you want to touch me fondly

            Just go ahead now

            If you want to buy me flowers

            Just go ahead now

            And if you want to take a shower 

            Just go ahead now"

Ron finished on this note. Hermione scowled at him.

"Are you saying I smell? You should bloody hope not if you want to date me. Not that I'd ever touch you anyway _Ronny_, we just weren't made for each other". She smiled sweetly at him and then flounced away to get a drink.


	4. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

A/N Once again thanks for the reviews. I hold no claims to J.K Rowling's characters (actually, I apologise for dragging them through the mud), being funny or the Spin Doctors' song "Little miss can't be wrong".

Ron watched her while she swayed her 16-year-old hips in an exaggerated manner as she walked.

"Bloody know-it-all tease" he growled under his breath.

"That's the same girl you just professed your love for, Ron" Harry reminded him.

"Shut up, you lovesick fool. Little miss can't be wrong's gonna regret what she just did" he said to Harry.

"Hey, Hermione!" Ron yelled to her across the common room. Everyone, once again, turned to look at them.

"Oh Christ, I feel a song coming on" Harry groaned, rolling his eyes.

Hermione glared at Ron.

"You're starting to remind me of Colin Creevey, you know"

Colin, who was present, burst into tears and ran to the boy's dorm.

"You bitch. Now bloody sit down and listen to this or I'll get that Muggle tape player off Fred and George and play this song in your ear or all night" Ron paused to consider. "Actually, I might do that anyway but just sit down" he finished, then pulled a bottle out of his robes and downed the last of the Firewhiskey. Hermione obeyed his command and sat down.

Ron grabbed his guitar that he had put down before and let rip with a few notes.

"Been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town

Been a whole lot happier without her face around

Nobody upstairs gonna stomp and shout

Never have to look at that angry pout

She hold the wand while your neck goes numb

She want one man to be made of Lockhart and Krum

Little miss, Little miss, Little miss can't be wrong."

He threw a glare and Hermione then stuck his tongue out. Hermione glared back, knowing that it was pretty much the perfect title for her. 

"Little miss, Little miss, Little miss can't be wrong

Ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong

Little miss, Little miss, Little miss can't be wrong

When ya gonna stop being so headstrong?

Professor Snape's thoughts ain't your hand-me-downs

Would it be so bad to simply turn around

You brew so well, oh what a stench

You'd do brain surgery too, with a monkey wrench"

Hermione frowned. She had no idea what a "monkey wrench" was. But it sounded like an insult.

"Little miss, Little miss, Little miss cant be wrong

Ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong

Little miss, Little miss, Little miss can't be wrong

When ya gonna stop being so headstrong?

I hope your husband looks like Karkaroff

Hope you hear this sing and it pisses you off

I won't take that back, no I've got a spine

Did anyone ever tell you, you look like bloody swine?

"Little miss, Little miss, Little miss cant be wrong

Ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong

Little miss, Little miss, Little miss can't be wrong

When ya gonna stop being so headstrong?"

Hermione had to ignore Ron. She knew that everything that he had said was true. But his song had worked a charm, and she was pissed off. And she had to take that anger out on someone. She turned to Harry.

"You know, it's a shame other houses couldn't come. If Draco had of come, you both would have realised that I'm not looking to make a boyfriend out of _either _of you." She slyly winked at both of them , turned around and walked quickly to the girl's dorm so no-one would hear her laughing. Harry slumped to the floor. Ron promptly threw up his Firewhiskey. 

Seamus grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Come on Boy George-" (George looked offended) "-time for you to rest".

A/N That's the end for now folks, thanks for reading. Song parodies are rather addictive so I might make another one at some point, but this story couldn't drag on forever on the premise of a drunk Ron ;) Please review, I'll appreciate it!


End file.
